In the interest of keeping it simple, I looked over at Ghoulie and gave my usual answer: "Well, I like her."
She seemed to miss the point entirely: "Yeah, it's so much easier when you have a happy baby."
I didn't bother to explain myself. Because, honestly, there is just so much to explain. Do I like being a mom? How can anyone answer that question in a sentence or two?
I love to wake up and see that little angel face. I love even more when she wakes up and gives Jake and me her big, good morning smiles. I do not like waking up several times a night to make sure that the little sleeping angel is still breathing. I also do not like when she wakes me up at night to tell me that she is very much breathing and very much hungry.
I like breastfeeding. I love the feeling when Ghoulie stops nursing long enough to look up and smile at me. I do not like waking up extra early on my already early mornings to pump so that I can teach in relative comfort. That makes me think maybe I like formula after all.
It's fun to dress Ghoulie, bathe her, care for her in general. But I will never like poopy diapers. Especially not when they leak.
I love that she is this perfect melding of my husband and me in so many ways, and a beautiful representation of our love. I do not like that we now have so few opportunities for the act that created her in the first place.
I love when she falls asleep on my shoulder. I do not like that Jake and I cannot watch a DVD in our own living room without pausing it many, many times for diapers, binkies, and ball-bouncing the Little Ghoulie to sleep.
I like that right now she is sleeping in her bouncy seat beside me, looking adorable. I do not like knowing that she could wake up any second and make me have to save this post for later. I do not like that this "ticking time bomb" feeling (coined by another new mom friend) pervades every single little thing I do, or try to do, anyway.
I do not like that I can no longer call my life my own. But I love that I now have this new, amazing, wonderful person in my life. Beyond that, I love that this new person is my life. Motherhood is not some role I have taken on, like a new job. It is a major part of me.
Asking someone "Do you like being a mom?" in casual conversation is not the same as asking how the new job is going.
***
To further prove my point, Ghoulie just woke up crying, so hold on a sec. . . I love the way Ghoulie curls into a little, cozy ball when I pick her up, as if she is in her most favorite place in all the world. I love knowing that against my body is her favorite place in all the world. . .***
I started this blog with the idea that I could love my own baby but dislike the idea of motherhood. I suppose I do still dislike the idea of it, the image, that is. I don't like the expectation that I will never get a shower when I want, that my clothes will no longer match and I will always be five pounds heavier than I want to be. I think it's very important that every new mother -- hell, any mother -- understands and accepts that she does not have to enjoy her role, her life, each and every day.
However, after much pondering, I have discovered something: I do like being a mom. (I do, I like it, Sam-I-Am!) It's not simply that I like Ghoulie. It's more than that. It's that I LIKE MY LIFE THIS WAY. No, not the spit-up, not the lack of sleep, not being at someone else's beckon call 24/7. But for the first time, I know that I am living authentically. I care genuinely about the world around me, about the future of our civilization and our planet. Not because I should care, but because NOW IT MATTERS. Before Ghoulie, before motherhood, nothing felt like it mattered quite like it does now.
There is no logic to the feeling. I now have this perfect, amazing creature for whom I am responsible, and because of that, all the stakes in the world are higher. There is much more fear, more worry, more stress. And so much more work.
And I am happier than I have ever been.
2 comments:
Number One: If you only have five extra pounds, you are VERY, VERY fortunate!
Number Two: You are VERY, VERY WISE!
Number Three: I think I did a few things right to have raised a daughter like you!!!!!
Number One: Five extra pounds is like counting your blessings time!
Number Two: You are VERY, VERY WISE!
Number Three: I think I did a few things right to have raised a son that a woman like you would love!!!
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